The life-changing question that made me want to become a coach

Powerful beginnings

I often talk about my early experiences of being coached. It’s because they were so powerful and made such an impression on me. It’s why I became a coach.

People always ask me, “What was so powerful about it?” They want to know what the coach did or said that impacted me so much. Many of us want to know that magic recipe for elevating our conversations with clients, with direct reports, with our leadership teams, and with our families.

And I can’t just point to one thing.

The dance

Coaching is a dance with the client. It is being able to use a framework and a set of core competencies without the conversation feeling like we are checking off boxes. It’s really showing up in service to the client, holding them capable, listening for what is said and what isn’t, and allowing powerful questions to arise from the dance.

But it’s fun to recall some of the questions that have stayed with me from those early sessions because taken out of context, they seem quite simple, even obvious. But I can assure you, they were enough to jolt me out of my state at that time, and prompted me to make some major changes.

The “magical” question

One of the most powerful questions I have ever been asked is (drumroll please)….

“What do you want?”

Yup. That’s it. Super simple. Four words. What. Do. You. Want.

Try asking this question four different times, each time emphasizing a different word.

• WHAT do you want?
• What DO you want?
• What do YOU want?
• What do you WANT?

Does your answer change? Cool, right?

Powerful not complex

Out of context, this question, “What do you want?,” can seem quite banal and of course anyone could ask it (A-ha! That’s one of the beautiful things about coaching! Anyone can bring a coaching approach to a conversation and ask the right questions.) Some people might even think this question is a bit aggressive (and in a different context or delivered with a certain tone, it might well be).

But what is important is that this question came after tears and a long-winded list of complaints from me about what was wrong in my world and how I was feeling mistreated and misunderstood. I was experiencing frustration with passive-aggressive workmates, and not getting any clarity about what was expected of me.

The trust

The “What do you want?” question came out of a conversation with a person I trusted and respected, and with whom I had willingly entered into a coaching conversation (i.e., I gave them permission to coach me).

What’s also important is not what the coach meant by the question, but how I interpreted it. Often my clients will ask me, “What do you mean?” when I ask a question. And I will say, “What do you take from that question?” or “What does my question mean to you?”.

The impact

The truth is that when my coach asked me, “What do you want?” I was rendered speechless. I didn’t know the answer. And the thoughts that flooded my head at that moment were instantaneous. I couldn’t articulate what was going on for me, but a number of realizations dawned on me at once.

Timing is also important in powerful questions. Asking the right question at the right time can make all the difference. So, perhaps if another person who I didn’t trust had asked me that question, I would have been unlikely to remember it all these years later. It might not have held power for me.

If someone asked me that question on a different day, I might have had a completely different experience.

But on that day with that coach in that space, I was looking for something. I set out looking for guidance from somebody else. But what I got was inward searching and some of the answers actually came.

The learning

So, after all that, what is the learning?

For me, it’s not trying to force it by crafting the perfect powerful question. It’s about staying present, listening more than I talk, and getting genuinely curious about what’s going on for the other person all while holding them capable. And knowing that sometimes the most powerful question is actually very simple.

What does this bring up for you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Can you recall a powerful question that really got you thinking or moving forward? A question that took your breath away? What was it?

If you are curious to take your coaching to the next level, consider joining my next group mentor coaching cohort!